No Need For Hyperbole

January 20, 2011

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What’s that saying by that one guy? Something something “satire is dead?” Well, I’m going to have to ask that the haters out there come up with some new adjectives now, because we need ours back:
Congress is stupid.

We’ve lost meaning with that word, “stupid,” but it’s coming back now. There is no other word to describe what is unfolding before our eyes.

Take a hard, honest evaluation of the name of this bill: “Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act.”

Let’s understand something here. The bill is two pages long. The first page is a list of the people who signed it. The second page details two sections. One half of this bill—again, let me make it perfectly clear, I am NOT exaggerating—is the following statement:

“This Act may be cited as the ‘Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act’.”

Do you understand what this is? Let me take you back to 1983. I remember this clearly. The kids around the neighborhood got together under the Wilsons’ big oak tree and we pretended that we were politicians. One side made their case, and the other side took careful notes. Then, dramatically, one of the opposition stood up, paced back and forth, and in a sudden fury of activity, ate his notes. He then said, “that’s what I think of your case.”

I’m going to go ahead and put this next part in caps, so if someone stumbles across this page it will be the only thing they read.


Say what you will of his methodology, he got his point across. Now let’s turn back to our brainless droolers in Washington who got elected off of two campaign promises: 1. America needs more jobs. 2. We were the guys who opposed the health care bill.

Then, their idea to solve this crisis was to do the following. Again, not exaggerating. They wrote down “job-killing” and “health care” on a piece of paper and then said NO. That’s it. That’s all it does. One section says, and I quote: “Job-killing Health Care Law– such act is repealed.” The other section says “you can call this the ‘Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Act.’”

That’s all it fucking says.

It’s not hateful, it’s not corrupt, it’s not laden with pork. It doesn’t hurt minorities, it doesn’t restrict anyone’s rights, it doesn’t demonize liberals. They didn’t waste any time debating it. It can’t even make it to law in its current form, because Obama would have to sign it.

By the way, it’s got an amendment. It had to be added, because someone noticed it’s so vapid it doesn’t even count as an actual bill, so they amended it to say, and I quote, “add the language required.” It doesn’t even add the language required. It just has an attachment at the end which says, essentially, “…and stuff.”

Pay attention, tea partiers and fiscal conservatives: this is the batch you got into office. They can’t even do stupid right. You wanted jobs? This is their idea of getting you jobs. They wrote “not jobs” and then added “not that.” Let me say that again. Their idea of creating jobs is to pass a bill, with no content whatsoever, which says “tell people that we got them not not jobs.” They didn’t even get you not not jobs. They just wrote on a piece of paper to tell you so.

So, there you go. I just… I wish we had a word that still meant stupid, because they earned it today.