No Need For Hyperbole

January 20, 2011

Image via Wikipedia

What’s that saying by that one guy? Something something “satire is dead?” Well, I’m going to have to ask that the haters out there come up with some new adjectives now, because we need ours back:
Congress is stupid.

We’ve lost meaning with that word, “stupid,” but it’s coming back now. There is no other word to describe what is unfolding before our eyes.

Take a hard, honest evaluation of the name of this bill: “Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act.”

Let’s understand something here. The bill is two pages long. The first page is a list of the people who signed it. The second page details two sections. One half of this bill—again, let me make it perfectly clear, I am NOT exaggerating—is the following statement:

“This Act may be cited as the ‘Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Law Act’.”

Do you understand what this is? Let me take you back to 1983. I remember this clearly. The kids around the neighborhood got together under the Wilsons’ big oak tree and we pretended that we were politicians. One side made their case, and the other side took careful notes. Then, dramatically, one of the opposition stood up, paced back and forth, and in a sudden fury of activity, ate his notes. He then said, “that’s what I think of your case.”

I’m going to go ahead and put this next part in caps, so if someone stumbles across this page it will be the only thing they read.


Say what you will of his methodology, he got his point across. Now let’s turn back to our brainless droolers in Washington who got elected off of two campaign promises: 1. America needs more jobs. 2. We were the guys who opposed the health care bill.

Then, their idea to solve this crisis was to do the following. Again, not exaggerating. They wrote down “job-killing” and “health care” on a piece of paper and then said NO. That’s it. That’s all it does. One section says, and I quote: “Job-killing Health Care Law– such act is repealed.” The other section says “you can call this the ‘Repealing the Job-Killing Health Care Act.’”

That’s all it fucking says.

It’s not hateful, it’s not corrupt, it’s not laden with pork. It doesn’t hurt minorities, it doesn’t restrict anyone’s rights, it doesn’t demonize liberals. They didn’t waste any time debating it. It can’t even make it to law in its current form, because Obama would have to sign it.

By the way, it’s got an amendment. It had to be added, because someone noticed it’s so vapid it doesn’t even count as an actual bill, so they amended it to say, and I quote, “add the language required.” It doesn’t even add the language required. It just has an attachment at the end which says, essentially, “…and stuff.”

Pay attention, tea partiers and fiscal conservatives: this is the batch you got into office. They can’t even do stupid right. You wanted jobs? This is their idea of getting you jobs. They wrote “not jobs” and then added “not that.” Let me say that again. Their idea of creating jobs is to pass a bill, with no content whatsoever, which says “tell people that we got them not not jobs.” They didn’t even get you not not jobs. They just wrote on a piece of paper to tell you so.

So, there you go. I just… I wish we had a word that still meant stupid, because they earned it today.


Senator Alan Simpson

September 1, 2010

I presume that you’ve followed the controversy with Senator Simpson sending rude letters to the Older Women’s League. I wouldn’t argue with their base claim that Senator Simpson is sexist, but give me a fucking break. They’re saying that Senator Simpson was being sexist for saying that people were sucking on the tits of Social Security. Because we all know that when people talk about suckling, we’re all referring to women’s breasts. No, you daffy bastard, he’s referring to a milk cow. He even said, and I quote, “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” Nobody refers to “sucking off of the tit” as sucking on a human breast.

The director of OWL, Ashley Carson, backs up her claim by saying that he made several references to her being too stupid to understand the data and that she doesn’t know how to read the graphs, which she says “plays on the stereotype that women are too stupid to do math.” I don’t buy it. Alan Simpson is a self-aggrandizing conservative asshole. He would have said the same thing to me if I had complained to him. He’s saying that ALL people who disagree with him are too stupid to do math. And when she was addressed on the actual meat of the Social Security issue (you now, the thing that they originally complained about), her only real constructive input was that Alan Simpson should be fired and replaced with a woman. No woman in particular– any woman will do. Way to fight that stereotype of understanding the issues.

Ordinarily, it wouldn’t bother me that they were complaining about such things. Sen. Simpson is a righteous asshole, and I’m pretty sure that he is a chauvinist just by virtue of his culture and background. And just as when people with race issues need to bite their lip when they’re talking to black people (Michael Richards) or religious bigots need to back off the zealot talk (Mel Gibson), Sen. Simpson should have watched his mouth when he was sending an official letter to a women’s rights group, and just generally try to stay away from gender-charged language.

HOWEVER, I also know that the one stereotype of women that has the most trouble getting dispelled is that they’re overly sensitive and take everything personally. Just listening to Director Ashley Carson feeds into every stereotype I’ve ever heard of the “uppity bitch.” And I think of every time that one of my female friends has tried to be respected or taken seriously by a man only to have that man dismiss her as a ‘chick with an opinion,’ and how men like that point to women like her as backing to their prejudice. I’m ashamed to be of the same gender as Alan Simpson. Women should be ashamed to be the same gender as Ashley Carson.

The Silly Season Begins

May 9, 2010

TVMI’m starting to enjoy the political season as much as college football season, if only because it’s the only competition more detached from reality and reason than the BCS. The mass exodus of incumbents is fucking fascinating. Not only Republicans– while the Democrats are resigning en masse out of disgust for what passes as a constituency these days, but all the Republicans being pushed out by Tea Party candidates.

Now, I am not one of those people who believe that Tea Partiers are stupid or racist. But they are ignorant, and this proves it for two reasons:

1. If you want someone representing you in Congress, regardless of ideology, buy off an incumbent. Not only do incumbents have a staggering re-election rate, but Congress is not a Democracy- seniority is everything. This concept of throwing out 20-year veterans and replacing them with random businessmen who promise to spend money on anything just doesn’t work. They go into the general election with no wind at their backs and the animosity of the huge contributors that had invested millions of dollars In the candidate that just got pushed out, and the few who win will accomplish nothing for two years and get voted out in 2012.

2. Polls only reflect the opinions of the people who were polled. A poll of 1000 people could produce unanimous results and still only prove that .0003% of Americans agree with something. There is one statistic that people tend to ignore, and it’s staggering: 80% of Americans don’t respond to polls. Add to this that many polls are done by phone, and you’re already limiting the demographic to people who still own a home phone. In 2010, that’s an overwhelmingly conservative and denialist group. But all those people who don’t give the time of day to questions like “does Obama’s Muslim heritage lead you to believe that American churches are at risk?” will still vote. In huge numbers. Especially if the leading candidate has ads on TV promising to cut funding for schools, infrastructure, and police. People do vote out of fear, but they’re far more scared of Anarchy than they are of Socialism.